You swore you’d be a team, but somehow, you’re doing more—way more. It’s not just exhausting; it’s lonely. And if you’ve ever looked at your partner and thought, We used to be so much closer… what happened?—you’re not crazy, and you’re definitely not alone.
I’m convinced the only reason more people don’t get divorced in those early years with babies and toddlers is because everyone is just too dang tired.
Go to a courthouse? Who’s got time for that? I haven’t even brushed my teeth yet today!
The Kids Are NOT the Problem
You love your kids more than life itself, they are not the problem here.
Let’s be real—sometimes, your partner seems like just another needy human in the home.
It’s infuriating.
You know it’s your job to meet the needs of these small humans you’ve brought into the world, so there isn’t much left in the tank, especially for another adult who is supposed to be lightening your load, not adding to it!
Our True Story
I am not proud to admit that I used to seethe when I saw my partner sleeping soundly. It was awful because I felt resentment and overwhelm, but also guilt and compassion. At least someone in the home was sleeping, what was wrong with me that I wasn’t happy for him?
I’m a couples therapist, married to another couples therapist, and I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t matter how great your communication skills are, how much you love each other, or how committed both of you are to self-growth, the years of parenting small children are incredibly hard on even the healthiest relationships.
There was a time when our marriage was in worse shape than those who came to us for help.
When we first fell in love, it was fun and flirty. We walked along the Philadelphia cobblestones eating ice cream, chatting endlessly about our visions to change the world together. Our values were tightly aligned, we communicated well, and we had lots and lots of fun. So, we got married and had kids, got a mortgage and a disproportionate number of pets.
We Were More Fragile Than We Thought
At first, we loved being parents together, living in a state of joyful chaos. We’d have dance parties, make cookies, and build towers. There was a lot of laughter in our messy home with its poorly maintained lawn and constant parade of neighbors. We liked it that way; the four of us were truly happy – but we didn’t have much in the reserve.
We were used to blissfully running on empty, and were more fragile than we thought.
About five years into our marriage, a dark cloud floated over our cheerful suburban home. Our relationship was tested (just like everyone else’s). For us, it came when two severe illnesses inflicted on our home within a year. You don’t have to work in mental health to know that medical emergencies are risky for relationship satisfaction, so we should have rallied together at this time. It was my fault that we didn’t.
I simply felt like I was being pulled in a thousand directions and didn’t have enough to give. Then I did all the things I wasn’t supposed to do. I counted the number of hours I worked, the number of chores I took charge of, and the ocean of invisible labor that I couldn’t even articulate. I felt like no one—even my husband—understood how hard I was working to just barely function. To this day I don’t know if it was true or not, but at the time I believed that if I took five minutes to catch my breath, my whole intricate house of cards would come tumbling to the ground, exposing me as the basket case I was.
Contempt is Ugly
I felt first-hand what contempt feels like, and it wasn’t pretty. I started to speak to my husband in a way that made him think I thought I was better than him. (I didn’t btw, deep down I wanted to be more like him-calm, kind and unflappable.)
The worst part of it was that I actually did have excellent communication skills, I just wasn’t using them. It seems nuts now as I write about it, but at the time it seemed like too much work.
With everything I’m doing, with how hard I’m trying to keep this darn ship afloat, do I really need to slow down, soften my tone of voice and express fondness and appreciation?
The answer was yes by the way. A big resounding YES, that’s exactly what I should have done.
It didn’t feel like hypocrisy at that time, though, it truly felt like I was doing the best I could.
Busy Parents With Little Kids Have No Wiggle Room
Neither of us could take family or sick leave because we had employees depending on us to make payroll. You probably know what it’s like. You have your own version of why you can’t slow down and re-prioritize your time. The reasons are real. (It’s not like I wasn’t already letting dishes stack up in the sink and shoving things into drawers and closets.) There’s no reserve tank — nothing you can postpone for a week to buy yourself some time to breathe.
So instead of actually taking a cold hard look in the mirror, I continued to tell myself our division of labor was unfair, and I unsuccessfully tried to swallow my resentment, paste a smile on my face to greet the kids, feed the dogs and put a pot of water on the stove before taking my coat off.
I wasn’t thinking about how to help my husband feel loved and cherished.
Deep down I knew our marriage was suffering, and I felt guilty for being angry about something he couldn’t control.
How Our Clients Turned Our Story Around
All the while, even though he was physically exhausted and I was mentally and emotionally drained, my husband and I kept working as couples therapists. We educated our clients about the benefits of transparency, warmth, and generosity. We helped couples recover from betrayal, political differences, and even the great debate over the right and wrong way to load the dishwasher.
Even though our own marriage was in a crisis, we helped our clients remember why they fell in love in the first place.
And then one day, I felt like I was hit on the head with a cartoon anvil. It was a regular day at work until I heard a couple giggling in my waiting room. They weren’t rushing in from opposite directions or sitting in awkward silence. Instead, they were cuddled in the corner, laughing hysterically for no apparent reason. I was used to this with newlywed clients, but these two were marital veterans, together for over forty years.
They came to me for help nine months earlier, on the verge of divorce. This couple was highly motivated and committed to the work. .
They kept all their appointments, did their homework, prioritized date nights, and used the conflict management skills I offered them. My advice had worked, and they made it to the other side
Their reward was laughter.
I felt happy for them, but didn’t understand why sadness lingered in me after they left my office. Then I recognized that it had been over a year since my husband and I had shared the kind of belly laugh I heard in my waiting room. I was reminded of the lightheartedness I used to feel, and I missed it.
I wanted it back as soon as possible.
We Knew How to Fix It (Duh: Just Do All the Things We Tell Our Clients to Do)
I couldn’t wait to rush home and tell my husband how committed I was to being a better partner and start prioritizing joy again. I felt giddy with confidence because I knew what the problem was and believed we could fix it if we just did all the things we tell our clients to do.
I had let my marriage fall to the back burner, and it was time to put it front and center again.
“I feel exactly the same way,”
“Sometimes I feel like I’m keeping a dark secret from my happy couples.“
“I miss you so much and want to start having fun again. We’ve been through a lot, and so have our kids. But I need you. It’s so hard to go through all this without you by my side.”
I exhaled a breath of relief.
Then we hugged a different kind of hug than our usual quick, obligatory greeting. I collapsed in his arms as the muscles in my body stopped holding me together. My tears came next and he held me even tighter.
A different kind of man would have been justified in leaving me based on the way I treated him, but I chose my partner well. He is patient and compassionate and generous and didn’t give up on me when I was at my worst.
Now, fifteen years later, I’m fortunate enough to say that our home is filled with laughter again. The illnesses are under control and our kids have grown up to be extraordinary young men. Michael and I now have an even deeper connection that accompanies levity and affection. We progressed from giddy to bitter to unbreakable, and we now know for sure that we are never letting go, no matter what comes our way.
3 Seasons of Relationship Progression (For Families with Kids)
Every relationship is different, but over the past 30 years of helping people save their relationships, and 22 years in our own marriage, my husband, my team and I have seen a common progression for the relationships with children who stay together long term.
- Season 1: Falling In Love
- Season 2: Barely In Love
- Season 3: Forever In Love
Season two is undeniably the hardest. You have less money, less time and less sleep. You have more responsibilities, more people depending on you and more stress. Yes, bringing children into the world is a blessing, but the risk to marriages durning this season is high: it’s natural to prioritize the happiness of our little ones over the happiness of ourselves and our life partners.
The specific challenge of Season 2 is that you’ll probably be going along fine until there is some straw that breaks the camels back. Sometimes it comes on suddenly and other times it’s a more invisible slow-building challenge.
Take Home Message
No matter what season you are in, your relationship will be tested. Maybe you are not right for each other and decide to separate, but if that’s not what either of you want …
… my best advice is to be honest with each other and with yourself about what is happening.
Relationship strategies are abundant, and they actually work. But you have to use them.
When you feel lonely and over-burdened, you need your life partner more than ever. You might not have time for a three hour date night, but at least tell them how your feeling.
If you’re as lucky as I was, your partner might be feeling exactly the same thing as you.
Looking for Concrete Strategies?
Once you’re ready to get to work, here are three free resources to get you started:
- Relationship Academy YouTube Channel -> CLICK HERE
- Free Empathy Made Easy Mini Course for Couples -> CLICK HERE
- A Quiz to See What Your relationship Needs -> CLICK HERE